This second step in the Mentalizing Loop is deployed in order to share and provoke curiosity amongst and between the family members. The worker is modelling curiosity, but trying to stimulate curiosity about each other's minds between her clients (this is so in individual work as much as in family work - sometimes the worker might refer to members of the family/friends and ask:
"If they were here, listening carefully and calmly to what we have been talking about, and were trying to be helpful... what do you think they would make of this stuff?"
Examples
Thought Bubbles
The most important features of a mentalizing stance are respect for, and curiosity about, the minds of others and an attitude that learning about how others are thinking and feeling is enlightening. In fact, the therapist models this by his /her very stance, by enquiring about how others are feeling or what they might be thinking and by not making assumptions about either of these, literally or metaphorically scratching his head. Thus, the therapist may say:
“This is fascinating, I wonder Sally what it feels like for you when your dad does x?” “Dad, what do you think it feels like for Sally? If one could see thought bubbles come out of your wife’s head, what might be in there about how she thinks Sally feels right now?”
Inviting curiosity about others' minds
If there is only one person in the session, you can still do this technique, by inviting them to imagine what A would be thinking or saying
"if they had been sitting calmly, right here in the corner of this room; if they had been listening to us, and now really wanted to help me understand something about X..."
Below is an example of exploring hidden feeling states that is another (here in a 1:1 situation) example of mentalizing the moment - note the therapist is also Holding the Balance between thoughts and feelings in the here-and-now of the session and those of events the client is recalling from past experience:
Note the strong similarities (they are the same!) between this part of the Loop, and the third step in the "dance" that we call Thinking Together, which describes peer-to-peer case discussion/supervision; for clarity we discuss this under the separate heading "Mentalizing the Affect".
What does it look like?
As noted above, the most important features of a mentalizing stance are respect for, and curiosity about, the minds of others and an attitude that learning about how others are thinking and feeling is enlightening and valuable to both parties.
In fact, the therapist models this by her very stance, modelling what has been called "safe uncertainty" (another way of describing the assumption that minds are opaque - see the Strengths in RELATIONSHIPS associated with good mentalizing]].)
She may also enquire about how others are feeling, or how the young person believes they might be feeling, or what they might be thinking...
She scrupulously avoids ever making assumptions that she knows about either of these things (MINDS ARE OPAQUE!), and she may literally or metaphorically use scratching or tapping of her head as a way of Marking very explicitly the fact that:
"these are just my ideas, I do not assume that they are TRUE, I want your help to get them more accurate to how YOU see things... "
Thus, the therapist may say:
“This is fascinating, I wonder Sally what it feels like for you when your dad does x?” “Dad, what do you think it feels like for Sally? If one could see thought bubbles come out of your wife’s head, what might be in there about how she thinks Sally feels right now?”
“Let me see if I got this right – are you saying that when your dad does x that makes you feel y, and you think to yourself z? Does anyone here have a different view?” “Can you discuss this with each other?!”
Much of this is a process of the therapist Checking and encouraging family members to rehearse their own Checking.
The major aim
The major aim of this "status quo mentalizing" ...is to set a safe context for what could be termed ‘emotional brainstorming’.
It encourages family members (or an individual) to voice feelings and theories; once mutual exploration unfolds and gains its own momentum, the therapist can decentralize herself and see her role as being that of a facilitator, enabling discussions between family members, or a kind of "exploratory self-talk" in the case of individual work.