Over time, individuals, couples and families all develop their own way of seeing things, or of constructing their own "scripts".
In a sense, these are examples of a Pretend mode style of thinking - where the obvious ("Elephant in the room") is (perhaps temporarily, perhaps over years) overlooked... to allow a "make-believe" situation to continue. Now, whereas in childhood this often makes good sense (much good learning about social roles, etc, is achieved through playful exploration), in other situations (if unbalanced) the pretend mode can prevent any meaningful change from happening.
In therapeutic encounters, there are more than likely issues that, whilst it is understandable that they are avoided, really need to be looked at, thought about, and acted upon in order to change things for the better. Ultimately, the worker in these situations needs to find a way for material to be introduced in a way that allows the possibility of change to arise.
Fixed belief systems and/or behaviours can (indeed must, ultimately) be challenged by the keyworker, so as to facilitate the emergence of new viewpoints or interactions. Generally the keyworker will proceed in the following way (this is really a restatement of what we call the "Mentalizing Loop":
Noticing
The KW punctuates a particular sequence of the family or individual's interaction/process in the session
"I notice that X happens..."
This is a version of the Therapist's use of Self - deliberately referring MY experience, without assuming that my perspective is the "right" viewpoint, but nonetheless, highlighting it as something that is new and un-contestable (if this is my experience, then this is what it is! - whether or not it is 'accurate', or 'equivalent' to the experiences of others.)
Checking
The keyworker then questions his perception
"I am not sure that you would see it the same way...perhaps I am wrong to see it that way?..."
Correcting
The keyworker takes the young person's or family's feedback into account and might then asks (each/that) person how they see that particular interaction
"What do you make of this...how do you see it?"
Naming
Once different family members have themselves identified a particular interactional sequence and given their own "frame" to it, the KW will use a variety of different challenging techniques:
(a) Unbalancing
A technique used to deliberately disequilibrate the family organization, by temporarily joining and supporting one individual at the (apparent) "expense" of another, by enhancing her view, commiserating with her predicament etc. "I notice that every time you talk your husband stops you or says things that I think may put you down. Perhaps I'm wrong. Is that the way you see it? Is that the way you want it? So, if you don't - how is it that you allow your husband to put you down all the time? What would happen if you stopped him next time that happened?"
"How did you get your mother to answer that question?! Do you want your mother to answer for you? Your mother seems to know you inside out- is that a good thing? Who else does she know so well? How did you get your father to do this? If your father got it wrong - how would I know? Who trained/coached your father to be so careful/diplomatic/respectful? Is he always upset about upsetting the balance? What would be the dreadful thing that could happen if s/he was less careful?"
(b) Intensification
This is a technique, to be used carefully, and generally only after discussion with your SupervisoryStructures, which involves "turning the heat on" - increasing the affective component of a transaction, by increasing the time in which two or more people are involved in such a transaction (see enactment), or frequent repetition of the same message, or by physically or emotionally altering the distance between different family members. "I can see that you want to give up now...what would happen if you didn't, if you kept going, even if things become uncomfortable?"
"Do you think it might be useful to keep going -so if you think that, why don't you keep it going?"
(c) Testing boundaries
This is a way of challenging each individual's and the family's perceived lack or abundance of private space, their way of allowing differentness to emerge, their ability to be close, their mutual emotional responsiveness, their way of making decisions and use of hierarchies.
"How is it that you allow his mother to dictate how you conduct your marriage? Is he married to his mother or to you?"
(d) Disrupting:
If a family member "specializes" in monologues or prolonged episodes of depressive venting, then the KeyWorker may challenge this, initially by inviting the partner to join in:
"How do you respond to this?" ”What is your view on this?"
...(e) and Apologising
See the video above. These challenging techniques are important, but the worker who holds The Therapist's Mentalizing Stance will be ready to acknowledge his or her not-knowing about quite what the correct balance between support and challenge is for this client, here, now... and to be transparent in acknowledging if they have got this wrong.
"It wasn't my intention to challenge you too hard, and I'm sorry I've upset you by doing this. What can we - what should I? - learn from understanding how I came to believe that pushing you in that way was likely to be helpful?"